dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize