do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
