Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
