I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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