I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
