I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
