Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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