So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
