Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
