I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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