Duck Duck Cougar?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
