I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
