I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
