It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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