This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
