cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
