I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
