Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
