Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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