omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
