I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
