my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
