Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
