I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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