3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
