maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
