I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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