I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
God, I missed his penis.
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