They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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