Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
