a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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