Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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