If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
