I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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