Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
