I accidentally had phone sex last night
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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