I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
