Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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