Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
