i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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