I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
