I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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