Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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