The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
