when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
