Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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