my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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