Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
