Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
