well I can't set my house on fire every night
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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