history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
