Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
