If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
