Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
