oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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