DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
