90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
