Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
